Upsetting
Thursday, September 18, 2003
 
Let’s say I get involved with Julia Roberts.

She accepts me, and we call a news conference to announce that she will now be known as Joe Smith Julia Roberts. We smile together, and everyone writes their stories introducing the new Julia Roberts to the world.

Julia Roberts was doing fine in her movie career before I came along. She won an Oscar, and at $20 million a movie she’s the highest paid actress on the planet. She is, arguably, America’s Sweetheart.

With me, Julia Roberts goes out drinking and smoking every other night, and in the movies she makes as Joe Smith Julia Roberts the public notices she’s not the same ol’ gal: She's burned out and bloated, and they wonder who did this damage to their sweetheart.

The executives at the film companies know that I am to blame, but they can’t talk Julia into leaving me – she’s just too far invested with me to affect any real change. Her pay scale tumbles all the way down to $500,000 a picture.

Sensing that she isn’t as valuable as Joe Smith Julia Roberts, I relent on the drinking and smoking and late nights. I realize I may have gone too far, and we call another news conference, this one to announce that she is changing her name back to good ol’ Julia Roberts.

The only thing that’s different from the old Julia Roberts is that she will still be under my spell and subject to my whim.

She’s Julia Roberts again, but she’s not the Julia Roberts.

Kinda like how Time Warner is Time Warner again, but it’s not the Time Warner.
 
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